“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” _Rumi
Human beings are not perfect. I think this is clear. Everyone knows that.
But as we grow old, especially the ones who decide to follow a path of self-awareness, we try to implement ways of being more loving, compassionate and honest. To become better, to perfect ourselves. But the trick is to recognize we are already perfect with all our imperfections and to love and accept the whole of ourselves.
Relationships are such a mystery. Why are they often so challenging?
One of my spiritual teachers Richard Rudd, says that relationships are the fastest way to achieve self-realization and spiritual growth. Yes, I can say he is totally right, based on my personal experiences. It is my perspective that relationships will put you to the test.
Especially those ones closer to your heart, meaning your family or your partner. This is where the whole theme will play out.
Until you have finally transcended what is meant to be embodied in your dharma, life will keep on presenting you with the same experience through karma until you finally learn what you came here to learn.
I’m beginning to understand what this means in practical ways. Especially given the fact that, in every relationship, I seem to get to a breaking point which is where I show the “darkest” most vulnerable part of myself. In some relationships, this would finish before my partners had the chance to see what I would be most afraid to show.
The fact is, at some point in your closest relationship, you will have to revisit your child self and show this aspect in your relationship. This will encompass all your traumas, your shadow self and it can also be ancestral karma, meaning you might have inherited it, not only from how you grew up but from generations and generations before you were even born. This pattern tends to play out with a romantic partner, but yes, it could be another type of close relationship.
In my case, at some point in my childhood, I tried to harm myself. I was so hurt and all I wanted was to be heard by my parents. So I decided, at that time, as a child, that the best way they would see and understand how much I needed to be heard was by taking a bunch of pills in a suicidal attempt. Did I really want to kill myself? Yes, maybe part of me wanted to make all that pain go away. But mostly I did not want to kill myself, I just wanted to be loved and heard. To have my needs met as a child for love, safety and parental care. It was a way of taking control of the situation and expressing how bad this rejection was impacting me.
Now as an adult, I fully understand it was never the intention of my parents to put me through this. As a “spiritual teacher” I also understand it was part of my karma to go through such thing. It was my dharma calling me to true understanding of myself and compassion for myself and my parents who never had a healthy childhood with love and proper care either. They were both badly mistreated by their parents, who were also mistreated by their parents and the cycle goes on into hundreds of generations.
And here I am, Sabrina, standing before all this cycle of pain, trying to break free from it. Trying my best to really understand, to really get it.
And maybe I’m starting to scratch the surface of it, by fully accepting my parents, what they gave me, fully loving my parents, loving myself and my life and all I went through.
But back into the relationship karma. I now understand it doesn’t matter how much my perspective has changed, how much I have grown as a person. There is no escaping this part. There will be a point I will have to show this part of myself to a partner, just as they will also show me their most horrible side.
There is no running from it.
I thought I had some control over this. But no, this will happen, it just happened in my relationship. My biggest fear was revealed just as my partner’s biggest fear was also shown to me. This has brought us both so much pain, because we love each other so much and don’t want to go through it. It is not our intention to hurt each other in such way.
But what this has taught me is that there is very little choice. And all I have to do is to accept and embrace the self-work.
This had brought me to much peace, to understand that no matter how much you change as a human being, how much work you do on yourself, there will always be a point in your relationship where you will end up playing your childhood trauma, showing it to your partner with no filter so they can see your wounded self.
And of course your partner will do the same, they will show you their hurt self.
No matter how many different relationships you go through… as soon as it gets deep and committed… you will start triggering each other until this side of yourself is revealed.
I wish I knew that before.. It probably would have given me much more peace while I was going through it, right in the middle of the storm. So yes, in every relationship you will repeat this cycle. Until it’s finally broken. Until you fully embrace your shadow with love and compassion for yourself.
The most beautiful thing is that another human will be sharing this whole process with you… Serving as a mirror, so you can both look deep into yourselves and do the necessary work to set yourselves free.
Only love can allow this whole cycle to be played out. Otherwise, without love, it would be impossible for you to act out your childhood traumas and show it to your partner.
That is because the love you share is so strong. That’s the only way each partner will allow one another to show their wound, their shadow self. Without the love, any other human would not tolerate or want to look at this side of another human being.
This is where you are finally put to test. Is your love unconditional? Will you be able to forgive yourself? To forgive the one you love? And continue working on yourself together, by choice, bound by the love you share for one another.
Or will you give in to the pain and walk away?
There is no right way to proceed here. Everyone has their limitations and their timing for healing.
And we are all doing our best.
If you look at this, it’s almost poetical…
You will attract each other, find each other, so you can go through your pain together. To heal yourselves. You do your own personal healing, but you share the whole process with your loved one. This is divine work.
Of course it can be quite sad, dramatic and extremely painful when you are going through it. But it’s the only way you will face your humanity. It will break your heart during the process, but broken hearts are meant to stay open. So your light of vulnerability can shine and heal yourself and touch everyone around you with it.
I think the most beautiful thing is that if you found your life partner, you will share this path with each other. You will conquer your darkness with love, for yourselves and for each other.
And you can keep walking the path together, growing together, supporting each other, appreciating each other’s strength and seeing their weakness from a place of compassion.
Doing all this work alone is satisfying.
But I tell you with no shadow of a doubt that doing it with the person who you gave your heart to, is the most powerful experience one can have on this Earth.
To look each other in the eyes and see everything, to see beyond all their masks, to see their soul. To look at someone’s eye and seethe whole universe reflected back at you.
And to choose to share your life with them.
That my friends.. is something indescribable.
Amen to the power of Love, to the power of Healing, to The Power Within Us.
Thanks for reading.