“We are only as good as our worst, and only as perfect as our imperfections” _ Emina Gaspar Vrana.
So I ask myself what does it mean to be human?
And the answer I get is :facing your limitations, looking deep within yourself.
When I was a little girl I never knew I had such dark side inside of myself. Or maybe back then I didn’t yet had it, and this darkness grew bigger as a way to protect myself from all the pain and trauma I went through? Or maybe this is just an excuse for something that is already part of me, part of my karma part of my human life.
Today I wanted to talk about Self-Harming.
This crazy self-aggression, this anger that comes from deep down within. This madness that wants to attack others and yourself.
What is this?
Where does it come from? How is it even possible that this is inside of me, when all I want is to be good, is to show all my love, all my light, all my compassion, all my willingness to connect with others in the most beautiful way.
Where does this darkness comes from?
Why is it there? – I ask God.
What good is it for?
How can I begin to understand it?
Today after 10 years of being “clean” I face myself again. I face my biggest limitation, my biggest fear, the fear of not being in control of my darkness.
Self-harming is a theme not many people talk about, is such an ugly thing, everyone just wants to hide and brush it off. Especially the ones who suffer from it. Just like domestic violence and physical aggression. Yet some very beautiful souls suffer from such ailment.
I never knew how many of my beautiful friends had gone through such issue until recently. But I’m not talking about any of them , I’m here to talk about myself.
About my ugliness, about my flaws about my mistakes.
To tear down my ego into a millions pieces.
I’m no longer afraid to hide it from anyone , to show what is inside myself.
Yes I have this side, when I’m lost it can get really bad, I can end up hurting myself physically so the pain my heart is feeling, the noise in my head , the confusion, can finally stop.
It’s such a chaos to let this side of me out, because deep down all I really want is to be held, to be heard, to be loved, to be accepted. and instead I start to self-sabotage and to lose myself.
The funny thing is after all this self-work, after helping so many people to find their light, after being a so called “healer” , a “teacher” , I too have to face my limitations.
But this time there is no space to hide, not even from the ones I love the most.
Total and true transparency! Yes, this is part of me.
Can I still love myself knowing this part of me is still alive inside of me?
Yes, I can.
Can I accept after all this self-work I still face moments where I don’t know what to do? Where I need help, where I need to confront all my beliefs? All my faith?
I simply have to surrender.
Surrender to God, and understand I’m still so small. That I’m still learning.
Even though I’m doing my best in life I have to accept as much as I might try to hide from everyone this issue is there. I have to be strong for myself to stand there for me and to love myself through it.
To also understand that I’m worthy of love, that there are people who will stand by my side no matter what, that there are people who will not run way from my darkness. They will see through it. They will have compassion and strength to hold my hand through it, and for that I’m forever grateful, because in this life there will be beautiful souls that will stand in the darkness with you until you can find your way back into light.
But the lesson here is to really surrender to give it all to God, to see I don’t want to hold on to this part of myself. To pray so vehemently to God and to bend on my knees and bowl my head asking for forgiveness, asking God to take this anger, take this pain, take this darkness away from me. To understand I don’t know what to do with it, that I don’t want to hold on to it. That I have to be so humble and so dedicated to my self-acceptance, that I still have so much to know, so much to give up.
So please God take it, take my heart, guide me through your grace I surrender to you. I am yours take my darkness and please let me free from it, because I’m so tired of hurting myself and hurting the ones I love.
So if you suffer from this problem. I here confide to you.
You can do this! Surrender, let go. You are not alone. Loads of people struggle with their darkness, be brave to see through it. Be brave to understand you are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, and that there are people strong enough to stay by your side. To love you no matter what.
As humans our greatest gift is love, compassion and humility. To stand together to give each other strength to find our way.
Be courageous, all the answers are within yourself. All the love is within yourself. All the light is also there.
Be wise enough to see this is just a movie. That deep down, you are consciousness expressing itself and all this make believe theatre and drama of life isn’t even real.
Your true nature is Love, and you can always find your way back to yourself.
Thanks for reading.
If you have questions and comments feel free to ask. I haven’t figured it out how to deal with this myself , but together we are stronger. So ask away and I will do my best to share all I have learned about it.
Love and Light,